“The universe doesn’t give you what you ask for, it gives you what you are. And you attract the things that you are.” ~Erika Badu
I have a confession to make….
I am an imposter who has imposter syndrome.
I admit it.
Every time I get a bit scared or feel movement in my growth of what I am doing (and I’ve dabbled in a lot of business/marketing), I close up. I decide to move on. I move on so fast that people are left confused. I ran from any commentary or confrontation. I’d delete your comment (good or bad), and I’d just move on to the next thing. I never stay in ‘one thing’ too long because I fear that I’ll be found out or people will see me as a fraud or just not good enough. It’s a jarring feeling.
I second guess myself all the time, I have crippling anxiety and doubt, and I’m left paralyzed with fear and scared to show up. When I do, I panic and scramble to show up in the moment, which sometimes works. But it’s no way to build and sustain a business and live in my calling.
But what is my calling?
I did it a lot over the years. One thing I am good at is continuous learning. I’ve bought every marketing course, personal finance course, entrepreneurship and how to be a laptop freelancer, and writing course. I’ve dabbled in photography, content creator, social media marketing, digital marketing, all the marketing, writing, proofreading, editing, and content strategy work for clients.
Did I follow through? Did I apply anything that I learned?
Most times no.
Most times I learned a lot and applied a little.
Then I’d get bored and move on.
But the one thing that has remained consistent and that I apply daily and always return to….
Is spirit.
Spirit communication has always been my anchor to connection to the Creator, my ancestors, my power animals, and my spirit team.
I went within and started meditation, drum journeys, sitting in the power, and shadow work.
Little did I know then that I was healing past trauma, generational trauma, and cutting cords that didn’t serve me. I was ending toxic relationships and narcissistic family members out of my life.
I was creating boundaries and listening to spirit’s direction.
I learned to trust my gut, my intuition, and my guides.
It was deeply healing work. It was hard. It was groundbreaking and earth-shattering all at once.
It changed my perspective on how I see this life, our lives, and how we are all connected.
But then the ‘ego’ reared its ugly head.
I got scared of what people would think and judge me, “Oh she is going there?!?,’ ‘That’s too woo-woo for me,’ ‘That’s weird.”
These past couple of years, I dove head-first into all things spiritual and I was so passionate about it. I went within, I did the years of hard work to heal. I met and held my inner child and we walked out of our trauma together. I faced painful shadow work that left me in a ball of tears a lot. I went back to traumatic events and healed it. I saw past scary moments from different angles. Spirit showed me my past and I faced a lot of demons, and a lot of pain that I had to forgive myself for. I undid a lot of my ancestors pain that I didn’t know I carried. I untangled so much held pain.
From there I asked spirit how I help others heal. How can I, a mere mortal help others break the chains of our past and start healing?
They showed me what was possible, but I started completely wrong. I branded myself the Solopreneur Soul, a faceless goal because I didn’t want to show up and I didn’t want people to see me, to truly see me. I marketed myself to people who wanted to receive free readings because I needed the experience. I got a lot of traction and I did a lot of readings.
It was magical, moving, wonderful, emotional and exhausting. I got so much out of connecting people to their loved ones in spirit. I watched and was guided by how spirit showed up and used me as a vessel to validate that spirit is always around. They never leave us.
Then two things happened: I got sick. I didn’t know how to ask for payment because it felt wrong to do so.
When I got sick, spirit’s message was that I needed to slow down, that I’m not superhuman, and that this spiritual work comes with consequences when I don’t care for myself. Also, it just felt wrong to ask for payment for this work.
I found myself in a conundrum.
So in true Jen form, I stopped everything. I stopped all readings and just sat and waited for direction.
Then in true imposter syndrome form, I said I’m not going to do it anymore if I can’t get through this block.
So I returned to digital marketing and content writing.
It is a safe space that I know, trust and I love.
But….
I always returned to spirit.
I could always sense when a spirit was around, when spirit wanted to communicate with me (even though I have great boundaries), and when a spirit wanted to communicate with others. Some say it’s a gift, a healer and medium, a highly intuitive person, a clairvoyant, and a psychic because I ‘know’ and feel things.
But for most of my life, I didn’t use it, I didn’t tap into it and I didn’t want anything to do with it because it scared me. I quite literally shut it down and avoided it at all costs.
For obvious reasons, I started spiraling because of what I thought you’d think of me, what I’d think of myself, what the world will judge me as, how they’ll talk about me, blah. blah, blah. Fear and imposter syndrome are powerful and paralyzing concepts that I’m so familiar with. It is this feeling of ‘not good enough’ or fear of judgment, so much fear that time and time again, it almost got the best of me.
Yet, I still go on drum journeys, I go within to communicate with spiritual beings and get amazing messages of hope, love, and direction. It is this ‘communication’ that is most familiar to me. It is something that I am well connected to and that I am drawn to.
So spirit is always returning to me. They don’t give up on me no matter how many times I’ve given up and slammed the door on them.
They are ever present and vibing in my life every day. If that’s not love I don’t know what is.
In the end I always end up talking about intuition, spiritual happenings, and how we all all connected with nature, the land, and animals.
So as they have never let me, I am returning to them.
I am a spirit communicator and damned it, I’m going to embrace it.
I am going to lean into all things spiritual and ‘woo-woo’ because I feel as if there is a shift happening. People are more ‘woke’ and open to spiritual things. People are seeking me out. People are curious. People want to heal and communicate with their loved ones in spirit. I can feel it.
It doesn’t mean that I still get scared. And that some words cut deeper than others. It means that I’ve learned to walk into the fear, sit with it, breathe it in and out, and then let it go. I’ve seen it as separate from myself and at times masked as anger, rage, and pain. When you can see it as a mask of something else, it gets smaller and you can look at it as something separate from yourself. It is a continuous learning from spirit and connected to all beings, the animals, the ground, trees, the land, the waters, and the things we cannot see. We are in constant communication and connection.
So I’m highly intuitive, I have a gift of a 6th sense and I want to help you connect with your loved ones in spirit.
Let’s get to healing, and communicating with your loved ones who have crossed over, and let’s raise the vibration!
A spirit-led life is what I am called to do, be, and am. Let’s all live in our purpose.